I think for the first time in my life, my tzizit fulfilled their purpose.
It was last Shabbat and I was leaving shul after Shabbat morning Shachrit. I couldn’t shake the stress of the week before – money, to do lists, the looping over a problem I don’t know how to solve. That slight feeling of dread in my stomach. Like something bad is going to happen and I’m struggling to hold it all back.
Basically, the opposite of bitachon (trust). The thought hit me. Here I am, waking up to go to shul, spending hours a day praying, and wearing strings on my shirt, and yet I don’t actually believe in Gd. Ok, I believe in Him...conceptually, intellectually, but I don’t feel it. In fact, I feel afraid. Like it’s me against the world. I feel pretty much like I did before I became “religious.” When I really felt like I was on my own. When I looked down at my tzizit, I saw only strings. “Why do I have strings on my shirt?” That’s so weird. When I look down and see only strings I look forward and see only chaos. I look inwards and I feel only fear. I look backwards and I see only mistakes. But when I look down and see tzizit, I look forward and I see only love. I look inwards and I feel only calm. I look backwards and I see only perfection. My tzizit did their job. They reminded me that not all is as it seems. They reminded me that I am a Jew, a human being, a co-creator of life, and reality is my making. I am living in relationship with the Creator of the Universe. This Creator gives me the power to create my reality. I choose to live the life I want before reality catches up. I choose to live with an inner calm and trust, no .שויתי ×”×™ ×ś× ×’×“×™ תמיד .matter which reality appears before me I choose happiness. I choose not to be afraid. I choose to see reality in a way that makes me calm, joyous, and passionate. I choose life. Maybe I really am insane. I do have strings on my shirt after all.